What is Co-Regulation and Why is it Important?

What is co-regulation?

What is Co-Regulation and Why is it Important?

If you’ve ever tried to help your child calm down during a meltdown or manage their emotions when they’re feeling overwhelmed, you’ve probably engaged in co-regulation. But what exactly does co-regulation mean, and why is it so important for both children and parents?

Children aren’t born knowing how to self-regulate — they learn it from us.”

— A reminder that emotional skills are taught, not assumed.

Co-regulation is a vital skill that plays a key role in a child’s emotional development. It’s not just about getting through difficult moments, but about teaching your child the tools they need to manage their emotions independently in the future. In this article, we’ll explore what co-regulation is, why it’s crucial for your child’s emotional well-being, and how you can practice it in your everyday interactions.

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What is Co-Regulation?

Unlike self-regulation, where an adult manages their emotions independently, co-regulation is a supportive process in which one adult models emotional regulation for another adult or child. Since children are not yet fully equipped to regulate their emotions on their own, they rely on the adult to guide them through big feelings and stressful situations. Through this process, children learn how to handle their emotions by observing and being supported by an emotionally regulated adult.

For example, when a child is upset, a parent or caregiver can use calming strategies, soothing words, and physical presence to help the child settle down. Over time, with repeated experiences, children begin to internalise these strategies, eventually using them on their own.

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Why is Co-Regulation So Important?

1. Supports Emotional Development

Co-regulation helps children develop emotional intelligence. When children experience emotional distress, their ability to process and cope with their emotions is still in the early stages of development. Co-regulation gives children the support they need to calm down and process their emotions, which eventually leads to improved emotional regulation.

As children grow, they move from relying on co-regulation to practising self-regulation. However, the foundation for self-regulation is built through these early co-regulated experiences. The better a child’s co-regulation experiences, the better their emotional control becomes over time.

2. Co-Regulation is a Necessity, Not a Choice

Co-regulation isn’t optional — it’s the foundation for self-regulation.”

— Supporting children emotionally starts with us.

It’s important to note that co-regulation is not just a helpful “extra” — it’s a necessary step in a child’s developmental journey toward self-regulation. While many believe that children should be able to regulate their emotions on their own, science has shown that children are not fully equipped to self-regulate until much later in life.

In the early years, children lack the neurological capacity to manage overwhelming emotions independently. The brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for regulating emotions, continues to develop into a person’s mid-twenties. Until this development is more fully realised, children rely on adults to help them manage distress and learn emotional control.

Co-regulation provides the essential foundation for self-regulation. Through repeated experiences of co-regulation, children internalise these strategies and eventually learn to regulate their own emotions. Without co-regulation, children may struggle to develop the skills they need to cope with their emotions independently later in life.

3. Builds Secure Attachment

When a parent or caregiver consistently helps a child navigate their emotions, the child feels supported, safe, and understood. This fosters a secure attachment, which is crucial for the child’s emotional well-being. Secure attachment forms the basis for healthy relationships and contributes to the child’s sense of security in the world.

When children know that their parents or caregivers can handle their big emotions, they develop trust in them, which strengthens the bond between parent and child.

4. Enhances Social Learning

Co-regulation doesn’t just help with managing emotions; it also teaches children how to interact with others. By watching how an adult responds to stress or emotional situations, children learn appropriate social behaviours, like how to calm down when upset, how to express feelings, and how to cope with frustration.

Children learn how to be empathetic, compassionate, and socially competent by observing adults co-regulate in real-life situations. This is particularly important for children with neurodivergent traits, who may find social interactions more challenging.

5. Supports Neurodivergent Children

Co-regulation is especially important for neurodivergent children, such as those with ADHD, autism, or anxiety. These children may struggle more with emotional regulation due to differences in brain development or sensory processing. Co-regulation provides the scaffolding they need to manage their emotions in overwhelming situations.

For neurodivergent children, co-regulation isn’t just helpful — it’s essential.”

— It provides the scaffolding they need to thrive.

By using co-regulation, you help these children develop the tools to cope with stress and anxiety in a supportive environment, allowing them to feel understood and less isolated.

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The Science Behind Co-Regulation

Co-regulation might not always seem obvious or natural, especially in a society that sometimes values emotional independence and resilience over emotional support, particularly for boys. Many people still believe that children should “toughen up” and manage their emotions on their own, fearing that too much emotional nurturing could prevent them from learning to cope with adversity. However, this misconception can actually be harmful.

In reality, co-regulation is not only a natural process, but it is also essential for children’s emotional development. Children are not yet equipped to regulate their emotions independently; they rely on co-regulation to build the skills needed for self-regulation. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, continues developing into a person’s mid-twenties. Until then, children need adults to help them manage distress and learn emotional control.

Through co-regulation, children learn by observing and experiencing how to manage emotions in healthy, constructive ways. Parents and caregivers play a vital role in modelling this emotional control, which is crucial for helping children develop resilience and emotional intelligence. Without this early emotional support, children can struggle to navigate the world effectively, especially when facing stressful situations later in life.

Co-regulation doesn’t make children weaker—it empowers them to build emotional strength over time. In fact, when children experience co-regulation, they are better equipped to handle adversity in the future. They develop the tools to self-regulate, but that process begins with consistent support and guidance from trusted adults.

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When Co-Regulation Fails and What to Do

You can’t pour from an empty cup — regulating yourself comes first.”

— It’s okay to pause and reset.

Sometimes, even the best co-regulation strategies don’t work, and that’s okay. If a parent or caregiver is feeling emotionally overwhelmed, it can be difficult to remain calm and regulated for both themselves and their child. If co-regulation fails, it’s important to acknowledge the moment and step away, if needed.

If you feel your own emotions becoming too intense, take a moment to regulate yourself. This could mean taking deep breaths, stepping away for a few minutes, or seeking support. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to seek professional guidance. Therapy or support groups can provide additional strategies for improving co-regulation skills.

Final Thoughts

Co-regulation is a powerful tool in emotional development. It helps children feel safe, secure, and supported, while teaching them the emotional skills they need to regulate themselves. The process of co-regulation strengthens the bond between parent and child, promotes emotional intelligence, and enhances social learning.

By practising co-regulation, you’re not only helping your child calm down in the moment, but you’re also teaching them essential skills that will serve them throughout their lives. As children grow older and learn self-regulation, the foundation of co-regulation provides them with the emotional tools they need to navigate life’s challenges.

At Body & Mind, we believe in the importance of nurturing both the emotional and mental well-being of children and families. If you’d like support in practising co-regulation at home, or want to explore therapeutic options for your family, our team is here to help. Get in touch with us today.

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