7 Simple Ways to Co-Regulate with Your Child
Co-regulation is more than a parenting technique — it’s a developmental necessity. Unlike self-regulation, where an adult manages their emotions independently, co-regulation is the process through which children learn how to manage their feelings by experiencing calm, supportive interactions with a regulated adult. It helps shape emotional intelligence, build secure attachment, and establish the foundation for lifelong self-regulation skills.
For many children (especially those who are neurodivergent, experience anxiety or have learning challenges) self-regulation doesn’t come naturally or easily. Their brains are still developing, and their nervous systems are still learning what safety feels like. That’s where you come in.
As a parent or caregiver, you play a crucial role in helping your child regulate by modelling calmness, validating their feelings, and staying connected even in the hard moments. And the good news? You don’t need to be perfect, just present.
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1. Stay Calm, Even If They’re Not
Your child’s nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety. If you stay grounded, it helps your child feel safe enough to begin calming down. This doesn’t mean pretending you’re not frustrated. But it does mean taking a breath, softening your tone, and responding instead of reacting. Try putting a hand on your heart, lowering your voice, or taking a sip of water before you speak.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Let your child know their feelings make sense. You don’t need to agree with their behaviour to acknowledge their emotions. Simple phrases like “That was really frustrating, wasn’t it?” or “I can see how upset you are right now” can go a long way. This helps your child feel seen and understood, which is often the first step toward regulation.
3. Enforce Boundaries with Empathy
Co-regulation doesn’t mean giving in. You can hold firm boundaries while staying emotionally supportive. For example, “I know you’re upset that we have to leave the park. It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun. But it’s time to go now, and I’ll help you through it.”
Validating emotions and upholding limits can happen at the same time — in fact, doing both is a powerful way to help your child feel safe, even when the answer is “no.”
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4. Use Your Body Language
Children (especially younger ones) tune into non-verbal cues. Your posture, facial expression, tone of voice, and pace of movement can either escalate or de-escalate a situation. Try sitting at their level, relaxing your face, or holding out your arms for a hug, all of which can signal safety.
5. Match Their Energy, Then Lead Them Down
Sometimes it helps to meet your child’s energy first. Not in a chaotic way, but in a way that shows you understand how big their feelings are. This might mean using a louder voice at first, or mirroring their movements briefly, then gradually slowing yours. This technique can help “bridge the gap” between dysregulation and calm.
6. Narrate What’s Happening
Co-regulation includes giving children language for what they’re experiencing. Try saying things like, “Your body feels really wiggly right now. It seems like you have a lot of energy,” or “I know you’re really disappointed. You were hoping we could do that today.”
Over time, this helps children identify their emotions and connect them with coping tools, building emotional literacy.
7. Take Breaks Together
Instead of sending your child away to calm down, try calming down together. You might say, “Let’s go sit on the couch and breathe for a bit,” or “Want to do some stretching with me?” This sends the message that they’re not alone and gives them a practical model for what regulation looks like.
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Final Thoughts
Co-regulation is a powerful way to support your child’s emotional development, especially if they experience neurodivergence, anxiety, or learning challenges. And while it’s not always easy — especially when you’re exhausted, stressed, or triggered yourself — every small moment of co-regulation adds up.
Remember, it’s not about doing it perfectly. It’s about showing up with presence, patience, and a willingness to reconnect.
At Body & Mind, we’re here to support your family’s journey with practical tools and professional services, including psychology and counselling for individuals, couples and families. Want to learn more about how we can help? Reach out to our team today.
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